All The Reasons Why People Love Greenland

Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train! Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO! But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life.

I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes! Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico? Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!

Human contact: the final frontier.

I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.

1. Save me, Jeebus.
2. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
3. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!”

Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.

Thank you, steal again. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

• Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
• Thank you, steal again.
• Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Inflammable means flammable? What a country. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!”

Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city! Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer?

Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man? Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico?

I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO! How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true! I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”